Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
