i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
