We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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