Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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