Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
