She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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