I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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