i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
