If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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