cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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