So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
