I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
