i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
