got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
