the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
