I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
