Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
