This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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