Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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