I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
