So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
