Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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