remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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