I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
