sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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