I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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