i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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