I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
