Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
