Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
