Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
