I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sorry my hands just texted you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
