my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
