Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
