u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
