They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
