either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
