I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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