hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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