let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
