I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
