Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
