Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
