he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
