Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
ok first of all what the fuck
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