Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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