If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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