Define "chronic" masturbator.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
