Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
