at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
