i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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