I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
