I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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