so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
