u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
