she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
